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Hey there! I just changed my blogskin :) It's a little user-unfriendly because you can't navigate my past posts by headings or hashtags. So i'm gonna update the codings, stay tuned! (The font's kinda hard to read too..other than these 3 peeves, i'm quite satisfied) Follow me on the links below! :) 29/4/2015.

Started this blog during the last few weeks of SEM1(AY2014/15) cos' i regained interest in blogging. I blog about anything - news, social issues, music - but mostly about my university life :) Hope my posts will help you to make better life (and module) choices! Currently a Sociology Major. Still fresh. xD

: Amelia Lim, 20 October.
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DISCLAIMER -
This is like a confession letter ohmygawd. But i'm not pinpointing anyone
I'M NOT
Okay i was thinking of many people in my life when i did this.
So if you think it's you...it's probably..idk.. maybe it's not, just don't overthink what you're about to read baha

---

These few days I've been thinking about what kind of person am i, what kind of person people think i am, and what kind of person i want to be. Haha let's start from the last one

I want to be a nice person, the kind of person who wouldn't have any enemies, liked or at least neutral feelings by everyone. But i've heard from friends, and quotes (though we should really take it with a pinch of salt, it's so lacking in context), like -

"A man with no enemies has no character"
Really?

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
Tbh don't really understand this, i mean if you're intensely disliked isn't it the same as being an enemy baha. How do you even define friendship. Haha you can't. It's different for everyone. But what makes it different? (god this is reminding me of my self and society mod lol)

and there's a quote somewhere where you learn about yourself the most through your 'enemies' or just people who dislike you, and that's how you can improve yourself.

Perhaps i was trying too hard? Does it mean i'm 'fake' because i want to be nice, or look nice?
You know, people are driven by emotions more than they think. So many of our decisions are driven by emotion, i want to eat this because? because...and if you keep asking yourself why, you would most probably end up with an answer of a certain emotion. Are economic decisions really rational, and what is rationality anyway. Emotions aren't irrational, they are actually, in fact - i feel, an excellent decision making tool, and it's a tool i rely on the most. My gut feeling.

Anyway, in life, there'd always be people you don't click with, or you don't really want to see, some kind of negative feeling no matter how small or big. And perhaps only you know it, because only you can control how you show it. I think we shouldn't feel bad about our negative emotions, but acknowledge it and move on.

But sometimes its tough. Feelings like lack of trust, uncertainty always makes me feel uneasy. So sometimes i'd feel really lost. How does one person bring you so much pain, and feelings of uneasiness, and another happiness and a sense of belonging?

Maybe i had too high expectations? Maybe i was pushing myself too hard and expecting people to do the same? It didn't take me long to find out - everyone has different priorities, facing different crises in their lives, small or big.

I just wished those i love told me what's going on, the curiosity is overwhelming sometimes.

I wish there was this person i could tell everything to, and accept it, and embrace me hahaha aww.
But it takes courage to open yourself up. Because when you tell others more, the more you want them, the more you'd get hurt...if they leave in the end. That's so scary and sad T_T I'm really happy that i did keep in touch with some friends who stayed. We don't text much, but there's this sense of care and stability hahaha (lol 'stability' for the lack of a better word) But if i could turn back time i wish i was less shy. I would've made so many more friends then haha. Seeing them on fb, insta, keeping in touch, going to each others' 21st, but i'm not there it's like a kind of bittersweet feeling. They were nice, they talked to me but i was just so shy hahaha. University made me bolder, to be who i want to be. I feel like i've broken out of that shell, thanks to my uni friends who accepted me. Haha why was i so shy back then.. so many missed opportunities, potential lifelong friends haha. But i'm thankful for those who stayed ;)

Then there are times where you care more about the person than he/she does for you.
It hurts :'(
I think i'll miss you so much as if it felt like i was dying everyday inside. It's like I'm going crazy :'(

But then there are also people who care more about me than i cared about them
I'm really thankful, really. Sometimes i feel like i don't deserve it. But if i cared for you, and i liked you so much, in that person's place i felt like i should at least treat you as a friend and not avoid you. But at the same time i don't wanna lead people on so it can get confusing.

I mean, in this 'heartless' world, if anyone bother to show concern, thank them. Haha that's what i feel. I feel like we should reward acts of kindness (sound like sg kindness movement lol). I mean like, those who show concern to you will get hurt if you just ignore them, avoid them, and they might not dare to show their care and concern for others because of the negative emotions reciprocated. That's so sad. That might've been what i felt. Idk.

I think the shyness was a really thick shell i created to protect myself, because i was afraid of losing people, so i didn't want to talk to you if i think you'd eventually leave me. I think i was really scared that people will leave. Well some of them did. :(

But life still goes on.

And i wish those that bring me sadness and angriness would stop. But actually i'm the only person who can stop it. They don't know about it. Would it change if they knew? Well, it probably wouldn't because if so i wouldn't be feeling this way. I get headache and feverish almost everytime i think about that. Sometimes you want to get over it but you can't. It takes time. And some people...just have to be out of your life. That's what i feel.

And sometimes, you desperately want someone to be in your life.

And sometimes, it doesn't always go your way.

So when you meet someone, who does reciprocate in one form or another...cherish that person.

So second question, what kind of person do people think i am -
Well idk should i create an anonymous self-awareness survey for this?
I actually know of a friend's friend who did hahahahaa

Well if i was bored in the office i might do that

It's good to hear good comments about yourself, like you're responsible, hardworking, organised, helpful...but i just try my best everyday. I get tired too. Sometimes i feel like not giving a shit but in the end i do. I complain and i bitch about people sometimes when i really cannot take it.

I also want to hear the more negative comments about me haha. So this is where the enemy quotes come in..the people who dislike you are probably those who will ever say it in your face, those that help you realise your faults so that you can actually grow and become a better person from there.

Last question - what kind of person am i?

I think i've accidentally answered it hahaha

But now i feel like i'm losing a my main source of motivation, feeling a little lost, maybe in a situation where i making a big life decision, transiting of sorts, idk. Doing SOCIP and this internship made me question myself alot. Recently i can't find a nice song to play and cover. I thought i just couldn't find any nice songs. But it's probably me and not the songs.

I needa work tmr so nights

1219AM, SUNDAY--> MONDAY | 30 MAY

DISCLAIMER -
This is like a confession letter ohmygawd. But i'm not pinpointing anyone
I'M NOT
Okay i was thinking of many people in my life when i did this.
So if you think it's you...it's probably..idk.. maybe it's not, just don't overthink what you're about to read baha

---

These few days I've been thinking about what kind of person am i, what kind of person people think i am, and what kind of person i want to be. Haha let's start from the last one

I want to be a nice person, the kind of person who wouldn't have any enemies, liked or at least neutral feelings by everyone. But i've heard from friends, and quotes (though we should really take it with a pinch of salt, it's so lacking in context), like -

"A man with no enemies has no character"
Really?

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
Tbh don't really understand this, i mean if you're intensely disliked isn't it the same as being an enemy baha. How do you even define friendship. Haha you can't. It's different for everyone. But what makes it different? (god this is reminding me of my self and society mod lol)

and there's a quote somewhere where you learn about yourself the most through your 'enemies' or just people who dislike you, and that's how you can improve yourself.

Perhaps i was trying too hard? Does it mean i'm 'fake' because i want to be nice, or look nice?
You know, people are driven by emotions more than they think. So many of our decisions are driven by emotion, i want to eat this because? because...and if you keep asking yourself why, you would most probably end up with an answer of a certain emotion. Are economic decisions really rational, and what is rationality anyway. Emotions aren't irrational, they are actually, in fact - i feel, an excellent decision making tool, and it's a tool i rely on the most. My gut feeling.

Anyway, in life, there'd always be people you don't click with, or you don't really want to see, some kind of negative feeling no matter how small or big. And perhaps only you know it, because only you can control how you show it. I think we shouldn't feel bad about our negative emotions, but acknowledge it and move on.

But sometimes its tough. Feelings like lack of trust, uncertainty always makes me feel uneasy. So sometimes i'd feel really lost. How does one person bring you so much pain, and feelings of uneasiness, and another happiness and a sense of belonging?

Maybe i had too high expectations? Maybe i was pushing myself too hard and expecting people to do the same? It didn't take me long to find out - everyone has different priorities, facing different crises in their lives, small or big.

I just wished those i love told me what's going on, the curiosity is overwhelming sometimes.

I wish there was this person i could tell everything to, and accept it, and embrace me hahaha aww.
But it takes courage to open yourself up. Because when you tell others more, the more you want them, the more you'd get hurt...if they leave in the end. That's so scary and sad T_T I'm really happy that i did keep in touch with some friends who stayed. We don't text much, but there's this sense of care and stability hahaha (lol 'stability' for the lack of a better word) But if i could turn back time i wish i was less shy. I would've made so many more friends then haha. Seeing them on fb, insta, keeping in touch, going to each others' 21st, but i'm not there it's like a kind of bittersweet feeling. They were nice, they talked to me but i was just so shy hahaha. University made me bolder, to be who i want to be. I feel like i've broken out of that shell, thanks to my uni friends who accepted me. Haha why was i so shy back then.. so many missed opportunities, potential lifelong friends haha. But i'm thankful for those who stayed ;)

Then there are times where you care more about the person than he/she does for you.
It hurts :'(
I think i'll miss you so much as if it felt like i was dying everyday inside. It's like I'm going crazy :'(

But then there are also people who care more about me than i cared about them
I'm really thankful, really. Sometimes i feel like i don't deserve it. But if i cared for you, and i liked you so much, in that person's place i felt like i should at least treat you as a friend and not avoid you. But at the same time i don't wanna lead people on so it can get confusing.

I mean, in this 'heartless' world, if anyone bother to show concern, thank them. Haha that's what i feel. I feel like we should reward acts of kindness (sound like sg kindness movement lol). I mean like, those who show concern to you will get hurt if you just ignore them, avoid them, and they might not dare to show their care and concern for others because of the negative emotions reciprocated. That's so sad. That might've been what i felt. Idk.

I think the shyness was a really thick shell i created to protect myself, because i was afraid of losing people, so i didn't want to talk to you if i think you'd eventually leave me. I think i was really scared that people will leave. Well some of them did. :(

But life still goes on.

And i wish those that bring me sadness and angriness would stop. But actually i'm the only person who can stop it. They don't know about it. Would it change if they knew? Well, it probably wouldn't because if so i wouldn't be feeling this way. I get headache and feverish almost everytime i think about that. Sometimes you want to get over it but you can't. It takes time. And some people...just have to be out of your life. That's what i feel.

And sometimes, you desperately want someone to be in your life.

And sometimes, it doesn't always go your way.

So when you meet someone, who does reciprocate in one form or another...cherish that person.

So second question, what kind of person do people think i am -
Well idk should i create an anonymous self-awareness survey for this?
I actually know of a friend's friend who did hahahahaa

Well if i was bored in the office i might do that

It's good to hear good comments about yourself, like you're responsible, hardworking, organised, helpful...but i just try my best everyday. I get tired too. Sometimes i feel like not giving a shit but in the end i do. I complain and i bitch about people sometimes when i really cannot take it.

I also want to hear the more negative comments about me haha. So this is where the enemy quotes come in..the people who dislike you are probably those who will ever say it in your face, those that help you realise your faults so that you can actually grow and become a better person from there.

Last question - what kind of person am i?

I think i've accidentally answered it hahaha

But now i feel like i'm losing a my main source of motivation, feeling a little lost, maybe in a situation where i making a big life decision, transiting of sorts, idk. Doing SOCIP and this internship made me question myself alot. Recently i can't find a nice song to play and cover. I thought i just couldn't find any nice songs. But it's probably me and not the songs.

I needa work tmr so nights

1219AM, SUNDAY--> MONDAY | 30 MAY

Sometimes I wonder how people see me and what they think of me. It scares me a bit, honestly. I am sure though, that what they think of me, what they think my life is, is a complete misperception. I have always tried to show myself as a carefree person, as someone who wont get bothered because of public judgements. I am sure my friend and family think there is nothing going wrong in my life, that I do not worry enough, that I am always happy. And I am sure they probably somewhat hate me for it because, lets admit it, there is nothing worse than seeing someone who is life seems so perfect while yours is a complete mess. Truth is, I have become an expert at pretending. I think we are all experts or at least we are getting there.

links exchanged opened! just tag me but link me first

coming soon....